Late Night Ponderings and a Light Bulb Moment

I’ve been doing some poking around lately and I stumbled across a couple of articles/suggestions and had a little eureka moment last night while I was all bemoany about the change in rules where Canucks will no longer be eligible for consideration in the big EAS BFL challenge.

The first was a suggestion from Kat Carney on Soulcysters to take 90 days and write down exactly what you’re doing and then take that info to your doctor if you aren’t losing weight. Now, for me, I know I’ll lose, etc. but if I’m still not be regulated, zit free, etc. I’d like to use this to show my doctor I might need additional intervention. Basically, the idea is to be your own science project.

The second was a phenomenal article about the Tao Athlete that I’m going to have to read a couple of times to fully digest. On first reading, there were a couple of things that really stood out to me.

“The Tao and the Tao nature is about the path, the fulfillment or filling you up from being on the path. It’s about YOUR path. It is unique. The Tao is about balance. It is beautiful in its context that it can be about pure devotion and commitment but at the same time not be about obsessive compulsive preoccupation with outcomes, or results or externals that take us off its path and away from balance.“

In the past, I’ve worked out because I want to achieve a certain result. I want to lose and inch off my waist; I want to fit into a certain sized pants by a certain date. And then I get obsessive and weird and start losing momentum. Workouts become a chore and I get cranky about eating clean. I forget that I also enjoy my time when I work out, the rhythm of my breathing, the quiet reflection when I’m lifting, the zing of energy mid workout that gets me up and dancing like a fool between sets (yay for working out at home without an audience). I like how the act of working out makes me feel both in the moment and in my life in general. It’s a part of who I am and how I live and why can’t the results be of no consequence?

The second part that really had me nodding and agreeing with my computer screen was:

“Like any house, the more I like the surroundings and lack of clutter and the more clean and organized that environment, than the more likely I am to think more clearly and “be” a better me.”

The whole idea of having measurable goals and never being happy with your results and eating only for fuel is great and all for other people but it ain’t for me. It doesn’t light a fire. Not all of us are cookie cutter molds of one another. I don’t need to fit it – it is extraneous to how I live my life. I don’t have to have another person’s feelings in order to feel like I’m doing right.

The last bit was my initial, aformentioned bemoaniness at the BFL challenge changes. I was pissed! And then, after a while it dawned on me - this could be good. No more official starts. No more official ends! No more freaking if I'm PMSing in my last week and my photos won't show enough definition. No more four week freak out. No more start weights and no more cholking down EAS protein powder at least once so I can officially enter. No more feeling bad about hating a.m. cardio! Woohoo! The best is NO MORE COMPETITION. I don't have to try and fit my square, type B peg into a round type A hole (hee) and set SMART goals and measure against and pretend like I get off on all that shit. I never again will do another “challenge” or step on a scale or measure myself to see if I'm "succeeding" or not or take photos at set times and submit a package.

Anyhoo, I took all of this, swirled it around in my noggin for a few days and, last night, it all mashed itself up and turned into this…

I’m going to enjoy myself and the process. Now, because I need some baseline data to take to my doctor to see if I need some extra oomph in managing my PCOS, I’m going to track what I do but, for myself, I'm going to track how I feel. For me, this is about feeling great, and allowing that to help me be a better me. Am I feeling excited? Energized? Fulfilled? Am I having fun? How does my body feel? Is my physical self happy? If not, do I need to do something different?

Doing things last minute...

I am – as per my usual fashion of doing everything at the very last second - starting my umpteenth BFL challenge just days before the cut off for 2007. This will be my first actual official challenge so far this year (and, apparently, my last given the time frames). I had too many cheesy poofs by the pool this summer. We shall see how this goes as my dystonia has been significantly worse since I quit smoking (I’m batting 50/50 these days) and the fall is generally a rough time with it no matter.

The Squidge!

Hey! It’s the last day of my 3rd Body for Life challenge and I’m feeling really good. I did lower body yesterday and was able to increase my weight for both my squats and my straight legged deadlifts. Woot! I’m also starting to get… the squidge. Basically, the squidge is what happens when you start shrinking. It ain't pretty but whatever. It gets a bit worse before it gets a lot better.

You know those people with rock hard, beach ball sized bellies? Yeah, THOSE people. They need to get down with the squidge. The squidge is all good. My dad is one of those people and he’s proud that his belly fat is hard – um, no dad, that is not good. It means you’re at risk for a variety of serious health concerns…

My weight is also decreasing a bit – looks like I’m down around 148 or 147. I’ll have a better idea tomorrow morning since on week days I usually quickly suck back a litre of water and three cups of coffee before hitting the shower to go to work – doesn’t exactly bode well for happy discussions with the scale.

Webby has extended the deadline for entry into the tracker challenge. So, tonight a cheque is being couriered out and my next challenge starts tomorrow. I’m not giving myself a break – I think it would be weird having time when I’m not actively involved in a specific challenge (though not necessarily an official one – this current one isn’t going to be). I am totally bringing on the competitive freak for the next three months. God, I love competition.

Next week is going to be a big one for me. We’re going into the examination for discovery process. It’s all slated for Tuesday and Wednesday. I’m a bit freaked but I meet with my lawyer early Tuesday to get briefed on what it will entail.

Puffed Wheat Lust

Arg!!! I am totally craving a giant, frozen piece of puffed wheat cake and I want to caaaaavvvve [read as a tortured scream]. I caved yesterday and called it a free day. No idea why the jonesing for crap is off the charts in the afternoon. I still have an hour and 15 minutes until I can eat my muffin and yogurt. I need to get some cottage cheese or something else more protein filled than the yog… Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe the old metabolism is starting up again and I’m not quite giving my body the fuel it needs (though why it would revert to crack foods instead of craving a massive steak, I dunno).

In other news, we are too broke for me to join the Tracker challenge. Or, at least, Kurt feels we are too broke - he’s in another panic OHMYGODWE’REINOVERDRAFT!!!! moment that is so very, very annoying. Everyone is in overdraft. It’s the 30something state of financial being. So, I’m kinda pissed at him but yet pretending not to be as I'm trying to be all supportive of his need for security or some such shit. What about my need to be a competitive freak? Huh!?! What about that?!? Bastard...

Oh, I’m also completely swamped at work. Soooo much stuff to do, and no time to get it all done. It is still fabulously exciting and hard and I am having a blast (but, if I could have like an extra day in the week to get caught up, I'd be happy).

Bloaty McBloatersons

First the positive – I am feeling fracking fantastic and I’m utterly driven. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so focused in a challenge. Seriously, I totally had a complete and utter shift in my thinking and it is amazing how quickly I’ve been able to turn around my behaviours. Tom Venuto is a rock star.

I succeeded in hitting 150 on the scale this Thursday and that was after drinking a liter of water and two cups of coffee right before weigh in. So, I was super excited to finally see a number in the 140s on the weekend and, what happened? Bloat. I packed on five pounds (or more) of water weight over night and now I have to wait for who knows how long before I debloat and am no longer look a squidgy mess. So, far, the measurements have not gone up, which means I’m still shrinking – it’s just not showing. It also means that my end of challenge results and end photos are going to not represent how well I’ve actually done. Yay for being a chick.

As for the challenge itself, I’m totally rocking it. I’m working out HARD and keeping it clean. I’m feeling really good and I’m not having any problems with my movements. A day without any spasms or postures is a good, good day. Just goes to show you how stress has a negative impact on generalized dystonia.

What would Brian Boitano do?

I had a fabulous lower body work out today. My legs are shaking. My abs are so trashed, it’s hard to suck in the gut. And yesterday I did one hell of an HIIT session. I’m feeling fucking fantastic.

I received this fantastic article in my in-box the other day and it totally flipped a switch in my head. I don’t see myself as fit and, therefore, whenever I get close to looking fit, I sabotage myself. In fact, if I want to be completely honest with myself I sabotage myself in almost every way possible – career, finances, health, friendships. Seriously, aside from how I participate in my relationship with my husband (star crossed lovers, fabulous relationship, a love so strong and sweet diabetics often go into comas near us, blah, blah, blah), I am my own worst enemy.

Anyhoo, here is the article: http://www.ironmagazine.com/article151.html

I lurve Tom Venuto. If I wasn’t married and infertile, I’d totally have his babies.

Drivelly Goodness with a Side of Whine

I’ve managed to keep up with challenge though it has been living up to its name. After enjoying over two weeks of my dystonia raging out of control, am now starting to regain modicum of ability to control movements again. It is touch and go at present but I’m confident this weekend I should be able to get back to lifting and HIIT as well as get some meals cooked and in the freezer. I have shrunk a wee bit since I first started so, even though it hasn’t been a challenge for the records, it is still something to be proud of.

I had an opportunity to review Afterburn – it looks like an amazingly difficult program but I’m very much looking forward to tackling it for my next challenge. Tracker is holding a spring competition and will be starting next challenge in time to compete – will be very exciting to throw myself wholeheartedly into this and am expecting to kick some serious butt.

The lawsuit against my GP is moving forward. We went through mandatory mediation in early January and examination for discovery is going forward in March. It is turning into a very interesting case – I am one of the first in Canada to go forward with this type of lawsuit for this kind of reaction (tardive generalized dystonia was as a result of an undiagnosed adverse reaction to an antidepressant and would have been preventable if diagnosed earlier). A part of my feels for the doctor in question as this must be a very stressful situation but, at the same time, this is something that I strongly feel I have to do.

I think I’ve come a pretty long way since first being diagnosed but I also think I’ve got a long way to go yet in accepting this. Your life certainly changes. All of a sudden, this future idea that you have created for yourself of your life is completely up in the air. What is possible, now? What isn’t? By accepting new limitations, am I giving up? Or, do I now need to look at more of a balance so I can not just succeed in life but enjoy it? Or are the two now an irresolvable dichotomy? If I give up my plans for myself in terms of career success, can I really be happy? But can I also be happy if my ambition and my work destroy the time I now enjoy to move freely? Stress really does kick up my symptoms. So does burning the candle at both ends. I’m just very torn.

Another day, another start of a challenge

So, I'm starting another challenge for the umpteenth time. I'm currently sitting where I was at at week four of my first challenge in terms of size and squishyness. No visable abs by the time I get to Cuba. C'est la vie. This time, it just feels different, though. I don't think I was ready before and just wasn't in the headspace to keep at it. Now, I am and have done all the "Crossing the Abyss" stuff and have it firmly in mind why I'm doing this.

Today is day four and I'm taking my freeday as we're hosting a dinner party and my legs are so trashed I'm walking around like an old man who has shit himself. The legs definitely could use a break before I hit them again with a killer LBWO. So, today is about recovery and tomorrow I'll take a hard wack at it again. Oh, I'm also really pushing the workouts. For the last few attempts I was pussing out on the weight training and being afraid of hitting those 10's. Gotta do it with intensity. So, I'm taking Kerry's adage and putting it into action: Work harder, eat cleaner.

Tracker seems to have mellowed, which is good. I love that site and it always drives me nuts when the board drama keeps me from posting. It's way helpful to be able to talk to other people who're in the midst of a challenge in terms of keeping on track.

New BFL Challenge

Today, I started a new Body for Life challenge to get ready for Cuba and help me managed work stress. Took my before photos - waistline has expanded a wee bit and there is a bit more chub to contend with than what I ended my first challenge with.

Oh, visited the BFL Tracker forums this afternoon. Same old shit, it appears. People screaming at each other in all caps because they disagree with someone elses opinion. All caps folks drive me nuts. Don't think I'll be able to go back to posting over there as I will tell one of them to stop being overactionary assholes. And then I'll be banned.

Workout this afternoon was great. I did upper body. Haven't lost that much strength even if I have lost some muscle, as evidenced by the mushier exterior look I've been sporting as of late even though the scale still all friendly to me. Just goes to show you you can't trust the scale. It's like that good friend that doesn't have the heart to tell you your new Miss Sixties make you look like a lumpy, shapeless sack.

An overdue update

Well, in March, I decided I needed to get up off my ass and start weight training. The diet-only thing had come to an end and the scale wasn't moving. Also, I couldn't use dystonia as an excuse, since I wasn't having too many problems with it. In April, I started Body for Life - this program rocks! Its basically body building for noobs.

So far, I've lost almost 30 inches and have gone from a size 14 down to a six. A six! Yeah, yeah, vanity sizing, blah, blah, blah. I know. Even if I'm really an eight, its still way smaller than a 14. And it's nowhere near the size 16 I was back in October. Woo!

I'm nearing the end of my first challenge and I'm pretty happy with how I've done and I'm planning on starting another one as soon as this one is done.

So, my exciting meal plan for today...

Whey shake with strawberries

Banana Walnut muffin (recipe below)
1/2 cup cottage cheese

Chicken, vegetable and wild rice soup (I think I've posted this recipe before)
Non fat yogurt

Banana Walnut muffin
1/2 cup cottage cheese

BBQ Ginger Garlic Beef kebabs with 2 cups peppers, tomatos and mushrooms
Brown and wild rice

Whey shake with strawberries

I have to admit that I'm getting sick of cottage cheese. I need to look for some other, convenient sources of protein that are portable.

Banana Walnut Muffins (HAF: SE)

2 cups whole wheat flour
2 cups rolled oats
1 tsp baking powder
1 cup crushed walnuts
8 tbsp cocoa powder

Combine, make a well and set aside.

2 eggs, beaten
2 tbsp non hyudrogenated vegetable oil
1 cup plain, nonfat yogurt
4 overripe bananas
1/2 cup skim milk
2 tsp real vanilla
3 tbsp melted honey

Combine, pour into dry ingredients, mix, pour into lined muffin tins and bake at 350 degrees until tops are firm. Makes 24.

I figured out the macros but I can't find where I put it. Calories came in at around 140/muffin.