Puffed Wheat Lust

Arg!!! I am totally craving a giant, frozen piece of puffed wheat cake and I want to caaaaavvvve [read as a tortured scream]. I caved yesterday and called it a free day. No idea why the jonesing for crap is off the charts in the afternoon. I still have an hour and 15 minutes until I can eat my muffin and yogurt. I need to get some cottage cheese or something else more protein filled than the yog… Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe the old metabolism is starting up again and I’m not quite giving my body the fuel it needs (though why it would revert to crack foods instead of craving a massive steak, I dunno).

In other news, we are too broke for me to join the Tracker challenge. Or, at least, Kurt feels we are too broke - he’s in another panic OHMYGODWE’REINOVERDRAFT!!!! moment that is so very, very annoying. Everyone is in overdraft. It’s the 30something state of financial being. So, I’m kinda pissed at him but yet pretending not to be as I'm trying to be all supportive of his need for security or some such shit. What about my need to be a competitive freak? Huh!?! What about that?!? Bastard...

Oh, I’m also completely swamped at work. Soooo much stuff to do, and no time to get it all done. It is still fabulously exciting and hard and I am having a blast (but, if I could have like an extra day in the week to get caught up, I'd be happy).

Bloaty McBloatersons

First the positive – I am feeling fracking fantastic and I’m utterly driven. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so focused in a challenge. Seriously, I totally had a complete and utter shift in my thinking and it is amazing how quickly I’ve been able to turn around my behaviours. Tom Venuto is a rock star.

I succeeded in hitting 150 on the scale this Thursday and that was after drinking a liter of water and two cups of coffee right before weigh in. So, I was super excited to finally see a number in the 140s on the weekend and, what happened? Bloat. I packed on five pounds (or more) of water weight over night and now I have to wait for who knows how long before I debloat and am no longer look a squidgy mess. So, far, the measurements have not gone up, which means I’m still shrinking – it’s just not showing. It also means that my end of challenge results and end photos are going to not represent how well I’ve actually done. Yay for being a chick.

As for the challenge itself, I’m totally rocking it. I’m working out HARD and keeping it clean. I’m feeling really good and I’m not having any problems with my movements. A day without any spasms or postures is a good, good day. Just goes to show you how stress has a negative impact on generalized dystonia.

What would Brian Boitano do?

I had a fabulous lower body work out today. My legs are shaking. My abs are so trashed, it’s hard to suck in the gut. And yesterday I did one hell of an HIIT session. I’m feeling fucking fantastic.

I received this fantastic article in my in-box the other day and it totally flipped a switch in my head. I don’t see myself as fit and, therefore, whenever I get close to looking fit, I sabotage myself. In fact, if I want to be completely honest with myself I sabotage myself in almost every way possible – career, finances, health, friendships. Seriously, aside from how I participate in my relationship with my husband (star crossed lovers, fabulous relationship, a love so strong and sweet diabetics often go into comas near us, blah, blah, blah), I am my own worst enemy.

Anyhoo, here is the article: http://www.ironmagazine.com/article151.html

I lurve Tom Venuto. If I wasn’t married and infertile, I’d totally have his babies.

Drivelly Goodness with a Side of Whine

I’ve managed to keep up with challenge though it has been living up to its name. After enjoying over two weeks of my dystonia raging out of control, am now starting to regain modicum of ability to control movements again. It is touch and go at present but I’m confident this weekend I should be able to get back to lifting and HIIT as well as get some meals cooked and in the freezer. I have shrunk a wee bit since I first started so, even though it hasn’t been a challenge for the records, it is still something to be proud of.

I had an opportunity to review Afterburn – it looks like an amazingly difficult program but I’m very much looking forward to tackling it for my next challenge. Tracker is holding a spring competition and will be starting next challenge in time to compete – will be very exciting to throw myself wholeheartedly into this and am expecting to kick some serious butt.

The lawsuit against my GP is moving forward. We went through mandatory mediation in early January and examination for discovery is going forward in March. It is turning into a very interesting case – I am one of the first in Canada to go forward with this type of lawsuit for this kind of reaction (tardive generalized dystonia was as a result of an undiagnosed adverse reaction to an antidepressant and would have been preventable if diagnosed earlier). A part of my feels for the doctor in question as this must be a very stressful situation but, at the same time, this is something that I strongly feel I have to do.

I think I’ve come a pretty long way since first being diagnosed but I also think I’ve got a long way to go yet in accepting this. Your life certainly changes. All of a sudden, this future idea that you have created for yourself of your life is completely up in the air. What is possible, now? What isn’t? By accepting new limitations, am I giving up? Or, do I now need to look at more of a balance so I can not just succeed in life but enjoy it? Or are the two now an irresolvable dichotomy? If I give up my plans for myself in terms of career success, can I really be happy? But can I also be happy if my ambition and my work destroy the time I now enjoy to move freely? Stress really does kick up my symptoms. So does burning the candle at both ends. I’m just very torn.