Hey, so I signed up to compete this weekend, much against my better judgment. I haven't done a comp since 2014 Regionals - partially because I have a neurological disorder that gets seriously fuckered fast in competition-like settings. The last go-around was embarrassing and all socially awkward (hey, don't mind me, nine million times Games competitor Lucas Parker, I'm just going to twitch here in the bottom squat position on the floor in the middle of the athlete area whilst looking all forlorn and bizarre while you and the rest of you gods and goddesses of physical fitness go and warm up and how the fuck did I get in here anyways...). It felt like it took the fun out of things for everyone involved.
To help reduce the risk of this happening, and to hopefully make all of you feel a little more comfortable with me in the event something happens (and it could), here is a handy guide to judging me.
What is this neurological disorder of which you speak?
I have something called generalized dystonia. Dystonia is the third most common type of neurologically-based movement disorder after essential tremor and Parkinson's Disease. Huntington's Disease and ALS round out our lovely list o' neurological tomfoolery.
While I am lucky that I spend a goodly portion of my life not symptomatic, when I am it can be all rather intense. You see, the part of my brain that controls voluntary movement (the basal ganglia) doesn't quite work the way it should for me. The medical community isn't sure exactly what is going on up in there but they're pretty sure it has something to do with dopamine receptors and tiny bits of microscopic damage. This then sometimes causes messages to move a certain way to instead be interpreted horribly fucking wrong (like Babelfish online translator wrong) and then we devolve into some sort of rhythmic twisting and pulling forcing parts of me to go one way while other parts go decidedly another and none of it making a lot of sense. It can effect one, some or many voluntary muscle groups. For me, muscles from my face to my feet can get in on the action. So, what does it look like? Think of a zombie doing an interpretive dance variation of "I'm a little teapot" while laying on the floor.
Yes. Now imagine me doing this in front of you in the middle of my wallballs
Sweet hell, woman! What do I do if this happens?
Nothing.
Legit.
Do nothing. Leave me completely alone. If you touch me, attempt to move me, ask me a bunch of questions and expect me to answer, anything, you just will make it worse. If I need something, I'll ask. But I don't really like to talk unless I have to because talking is hard (if I tell my mouth to move, I risk that message to my muscles getting garbled and interpreted by my brain in a weird way). So, just let me chill on the floor and keep other people from trying to touch or help me or get me water. And for the love of god, don't call an ambulance. I'm fine(ish). Really. My goal is to get as zen as possible to see if I can regain enough control to be able to complete the workout. And I've even done reasonably okay in competitions while having a brain running decidedly sub-optimally.
Uh, so is there anything we can do to keep this from happening?
Yep! Some days I'm just symptomatic because I am. But some days I'm fine until something happens to trigger symptoms. And then I am unfine. Basically, shit can break my brain. What is this shit, you may ask?
Loud surprising noises
Horn honks, surprise shouting, beeping (fuck but I hate beeping), really loud motorcycles and bro-vehicles, etc. I'm all good with ambient loudness but anything that startles or has certain rhythms can be really hard on my grey matter. What this means for you is please don't shout right in my face. Or come up behind me a shout "Leya!". Or even come to my side and shout to grab my attention. Or start off a race by shooting a start gun (it's happened) or an air horn (also happened). And if there is someone clanging on a cow bell or toodling some sort of gawdawful excessively loud noisemaker in the crowd (every competition ever), I might ask you to confiscate it.
Noises I'm okay with: crashing weights, loud and offensive music with lots of swearing in it, and loud swearing and counting and talking from people so long as I can see them and know they are about to go and be loud.
Surprise touching
If I can't see it before it touches me, I will go down. Spectacularly. You may be thinking "who the hell is this person and why does she think I'm going to get all handsy with her." It wasn't until I developed dystonia that I came to realize just how often we touch other people. A hand on a shoulder, a tap on the back, accidentally bumping into someone in a crowd, a high five. And we CrossFitters are touchier than most. Please don't touch me unless I'm looking right at you and otherwise give me a good-sized bubble.
Touching I'm good with: Can I see that hug coming? If I can, we can totally hug that shit out. Same goes for ass slapping, fist bumping or high fiving (even that awkward thing where you go for the high five and I fist bump and then you kind of weirdly cup my hand and then we try to forget the whole thing just happened). If I can see it and I've acknowledged I know it's coming, we are good.
Bouncing Balls
Basketballs, dodge balls, slam balls and lacrosse balls. Just don't bounce them or throw them at me and we're good. The basal ganglia also processes time intervals between events. I'm guessing I'm also not good with metronomes but I haven't tested the theory. And for whatever reason, things coming at me with high speed tend to result in a giant "hells no" from my brain. This seems silly but CrossFitters love bouncing shit and will toss a person a lacrosse ball at even the slightest provocation.
Thanks for your attention! Feel free to ask me anything this weekend.
General enthusiast of sweaty activities. Cave girl foodie. This is a blog about that. And sometimes cats.
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