Navel Gazing and Whatnot

“Some days, I was just wanting to say ‘fuck it,’ but other days I felt like it was saving me.”

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. 

Earlier this week, the CrossFit Games site posted an interview with Angie Hay.  I thought it was really cool of her to talk about how going through a divorce has impacted her training and her priorities.  It's not something people really talk about.  Mostly because who wants to talk about going through a divorce.  I know, for me, I've not really been at my best physically, emotionally or spiritually over the past few years.  I've been bitchy, emotional and stressed.  I've done dumb ass shit.  I've not coped with grace or aplomb.  But who does?  IT'S A DIVORCE.  It's kind of a big deal.

And it all affects how well you do as an athlete and how you feel as a human being.  The stress, the lack of sleep, the less-than-ideal coping mechanisms people sometimes lean on (*cough* smoking *cough*)...  The lack of time, inability to focus and sheer levels of constant and ever present exhaustion.  And, most of all, feeling like an ass because you really believe you should be keeping your shit together far better than you perceive your shit to be in the middle of it all.

So, here I am in the middle of the end of the end of my marriage.  I'm no longer doing as much dumb ass shit as I was before.  I quit smoking four months ago.  I continue to be bitchy, emotional and stressed but far less so than before.  No, really.  This is less.  Trust.  And I'm not always exhausted.  So, yay?

The part that feels really, really good is the ability to set goals again.  And not because I'm a type A weirdo who needs goals - though that would be true.  Setting a goal means being able to look into the future and actually having enough of a sense of what said future will look like to actually be able to have an idea of what you want a piece of said future to look like.

I know, right!

A major part of being able to train with a purpose and getting the most out of your time and commitment to yourself as an athlete, is the ability to set goals for yourself.  And then having enough stability in your day to day life to be able to again work towards those goals in a purposeful way.  For me, divorce has meant that both the sense of my own future and my daily stability was missing for far too long.  And now that I have both of those back, I'm feeling far more confident in what I can commit to doing.

And that feels very, very good.